Excellent piece. Of course the ubiquity of abusive and perverted pornography does not help and neither does the same kind of mentality infesting the video game, music and movie industries. And these 'men' protect each other, which is why the police and their ilk dismiss you and don't take you seriously. They don't see a problem - because it is normal for them as well. The sense of entitlement to do what they like to women has also led to the most horrendous situations for young girls who, these days, are routinely expected to perform oral sex on boys - or be ostracised from their friend groups. And then there is the industrial scale of abuse, and worse, of babies and children. And that is not just endemic, it is institutionalised. And they also protect each other. But the current situation in the USA, with the arrest of that rapper and his video collection, might well help to blow the lid off it.
“ realising that we’ll have to overturn our beliefs in _who our partner actually is_.
[…]
At each stage of abuse intensifying, we question, ‘can I put up with this?’ and, when we’ve put up with something similar before, and when the stakes of leaving are so high and scary, and when our ability to trust the evidence of our own senses is being increasingly razed to the ground, it can feel like the only option is to say ‘yes’. “
These two parts explain for me somewhat that strange phenomen of ‘the wife who stands by the husband who has been accused (or sometimes even convicted) of multiple acts of violence (bullying, sexual assault, murder) of other women’. It always seemed inexplicable but _of course_ a man who sees ‘other women’ as less than human will treat his wife with the same lack of respect. There will be a degree of coercive control, denial of realities, whatever you want to call it, until such time that ‘Wife’ either utterly believes her man has been wronged or that perhaps all those women deserved what was coming to them.
Your post brought back a desperately sad memory - 2003 I’d just attended a homebirth (as a midwife) so was tired and emotionally high, and phoning home my husband told me that one of our acquaintances, (our sons played football together and I played badminton with the mother, Julia) had been murdered… in fact it was worse - Julia and her teenage age son had been murdered by the husband/father - the only saving grace was he killed himself but the story is a devastating one of a woman not heard… I was always amazed that even though she worked with women in domestic abuse situations like herself (she was a health visitor) she couldn’t save herself - and the police had to eventually shoulder some blame but only as Julia’s brother pursued them in the courts. Read it here… https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2005/jun/07/ukguns.features11
That article is devastating Lynn. I can only hope that in the 19 years that have passed since it was written, attitudes like that displayed by the judge (mitigating features! FFS) have been challenged and done away with. Of course the evidence presented by Rachel and others is that they haven’t truly gone yet.
Excellent post Rachel, thank you. So much rang true for me. It seems that we are quashed from the very moment we express our discomfort or wishes, by someone. We are not believed, told to be clean, tidy, nice, pretty, play nicely, share and keep our stupid opinions to ourselves. It makes every aspect of our lives a struggle. I read today of a case just like the one you described, a young woman of only 23, who was being attacked by her partner just hours after he had been released for a similar offence. The chilling phrase from the call handler, that she didn't really feel in danger, the wording identical to the ones you used. After leaving the young woman on hold for more than 12 minutes, the call handler returned to the call, only to hear the woman's 6 month old baby crying. The police eventually turned up but it was too late.
Excellent piece. Of course the ubiquity of abusive and perverted pornography does not help and neither does the same kind of mentality infesting the video game, music and movie industries. And these 'men' protect each other, which is why the police and their ilk dismiss you and don't take you seriously. They don't see a problem - because it is normal for them as well. The sense of entitlement to do what they like to women has also led to the most horrendous situations for young girls who, these days, are routinely expected to perform oral sex on boys - or be ostracised from their friend groups. And then there is the industrial scale of abuse, and worse, of babies and children. And that is not just endemic, it is institutionalised. And they also protect each other. But the current situation in the USA, with the arrest of that rapper and his video collection, might well help to blow the lid off it.
“ realising that we’ll have to overturn our beliefs in _who our partner actually is_.
[…]
At each stage of abuse intensifying, we question, ‘can I put up with this?’ and, when we’ve put up with something similar before, and when the stakes of leaving are so high and scary, and when our ability to trust the evidence of our own senses is being increasingly razed to the ground, it can feel like the only option is to say ‘yes’. “
These two parts explain for me somewhat that strange phenomen of ‘the wife who stands by the husband who has been accused (or sometimes even convicted) of multiple acts of violence (bullying, sexual assault, murder) of other women’. It always seemed inexplicable but _of course_ a man who sees ‘other women’ as less than human will treat his wife with the same lack of respect. There will be a degree of coercive control, denial of realities, whatever you want to call it, until such time that ‘Wife’ either utterly believes her man has been wronged or that perhaps all those women deserved what was coming to them.
Another perceptive appraisal of what happens.Educating our girls needs to change and they shouldn't be 'lumped' together with boys for PSHE classes.
That's why single sex education and schools have an important part to play in this discussion.
Your post brought back a desperately sad memory - 2003 I’d just attended a homebirth (as a midwife) so was tired and emotionally high, and phoning home my husband told me that one of our acquaintances, (our sons played football together and I played badminton with the mother, Julia) had been murdered… in fact it was worse - Julia and her teenage age son had been murdered by the husband/father - the only saving grace was he killed himself but the story is a devastating one of a woman not heard… I was always amazed that even though she worked with women in domestic abuse situations like herself (she was a health visitor) she couldn’t save herself - and the police had to eventually shoulder some blame but only as Julia’s brother pursued them in the courts. Read it here… https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2005/jun/07/ukguns.features11
Btw - I enjoyed your memoir.
That article is devastating Lynn. I can only hope that in the 19 years that have passed since it was written, attitudes like that displayed by the judge (mitigating features! FFS) have been challenged and done away with. Of course the evidence presented by Rachel and others is that they haven’t truly gone yet.
Excellent post Rachel, thank you. So much rang true for me. It seems that we are quashed from the very moment we express our discomfort or wishes, by someone. We are not believed, told to be clean, tidy, nice, pretty, play nicely, share and keep our stupid opinions to ourselves. It makes every aspect of our lives a struggle. I read today of a case just like the one you described, a young woman of only 23, who was being attacked by her partner just hours after he had been released for a similar offence. The chilling phrase from the call handler, that she didn't really feel in danger, the wording identical to the ones you used. After leaving the young woman on hold for more than 12 minutes, the call handler returned to the call, only to hear the woman's 6 month old baby crying. The police eventually turned up but it was too late.